Why We Need The Sex Conversation In Kenya

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Vagina. Penis. Sex.

These are among the most feared words in our dictionaries and even in conversations especially with adults.

It does not matter if they are the most important words in our lives but matters relating to sex raise the hairs at the back of our parent’s necks and to be honest even some of us.

When questioned about where babies come from, some of our parents would tell us we were bought from the supermarket.

I remember a tutor who came to teach me science when I was in class eight and every time the words vagina, penis and sex came up, he would nervously refer to them as “eeeh, hiyo” and in return I would ask, “vagina? Penis? Sex?” Dude almost died.

Mention these words near your parents and I promise you to be responsible for their first heart attack.

Thanks to our new school curriculum and that trash music you call gengetone, the sex conversation has erupted. Like magma, it couldn’t be contained.  

With the schools am sure it’s more subtle but have you listened to this music that perpetuates the notion of sex as some violent fantasy? There’s actually a song where the artist talks about him and his girlfriend in his crib “tukibakana.”

Let’s be clear “kubakana” is to rape each other and you have to wonder, if this is the music that our young people (people the same age as my younger siblings) are listening to, then their concept of sex must be screwed, don’t you think?

I come from a generation where we learnt about sex through a serious topic in science and biology referred to as fertilization and reproduction.

Those are just parts of sex and yet, we were sold sex as basically that.

Most of my agemates learnt about sex from pornography and yes, I know that is also screwed.

I have no idea about where our parents learnt about sex from because if in my era we fear talking about sex, am sure talking about sex in their time could land you a jail sentence.

How many times have I mentioned sex in this article, and you are still following… lets go on?

This conversation is critical.

Think this way, we have close to 8 billion people in this planet! 8 billion!

Think about it, you are a resident of Nairobi, you are part of approximately 4.4 million people. You are also part of estimably 50million people according to latest Kenyan statistics.

As an African, you make up part of the near 1.2 billion people living in the continent. Then there are other continents. Think of Asia where China as a country occupies nearly 2 billion of the human population. Then Europe, the Americas, and here we are, a staggering 8 billion people.

How did we get here?

Short answer, Sex.

If you believe in the creation story then two people have had sex with each other, over and over again, giving birth to babies who had sex over and over again, arriving at where we are currently.

8 billion people. Fucking incest.

Assume that half of these people are at a legal age and position to have sex. They are continuously having sex. Seriously for us to get to 8 billion, how often do you think people have sex. How many people do you think are having sex right now?

If you visit the maternity today, you will be surprised at the number of babies that are born in a single hour. My God! Little products of sex!

All these newly-born, you, me, the person seated next to you, everyone you can see, those who have died, came to this world through sex.

You are reading this article because some twenty-six years ago, some two people whose genes I share had sex and I was born. Also, however many years ago, some two people related to you by blood had sex and you were born. And we are, me writing this article and you reading, we are almost making love, right?

Sex is our entire existence!

You can say we came into this world to have sex, not only to have babies but for pleasure as well, and if you look at it closely, its almost predestined.

I am amazed at how if you cut an apple longitudinally, each half will look like a vagina and how some fruits like bananas, cucumbers, eggplants(haha!) look like penises. Please don’t Sigmund Freud me please.

So, what are we doing when we sweep the sex talk under the rug?

I will tell you. We are building a hypocritical and inefficient culture.

A hypocritical culture is one that knows sex exists and that the entire world has grown through sex but we refuse to talk about it.

Will it always be like this? Can we shroud everything related to sex and when our children start having sex, just ignore it and hope they don’t get HIV, STIs or pregnant?

An inefficient culture is one that has been unable to combat child defilement, sexual violence, rape, early pregnancies, HIV/AIDS and other Sexually transmitted infections. And that’s the culture we have in Kenya.

The reason why HIV/AIDS became a global pandemic is because some cultures like our own and many others out there could not be honest enough to discuss issues related to sex.

So many of our youth get infected with STIs but they rarely go to hospital because they do not know how to begin a conversation about sex with people they have never met.

UTIs affect you every month and yet you are not ready to talk to your boyfriend or your sexual partners about it.

Currently the statistics on rape culture show that 1 out of 3 women will be raped in their lifetime. Defilement cases are rampant in Kenya yet they remain unreported because parents won’t talk about sex with their children.

If you refuse to teach your child about sex, how will she or he differentiate sex from rape?

How many of you have taught your children, siblings or relative about consent? Do they know that they need a verbal and enthusiastic “yes” before they can have sex with a woman or even a man?

The reason why many men rough up and maltreat women in sex is because nobody told them that women need to be handled gently and with care. Pornography told them that women like it rough.

The reason why condoms slip out during sex is because parents and elder siblings did not take the lead in showing young people how to use condoms. Have you ever thought to teach your daughter or son the best condoms, how to use them? Or even send them a link to condom use?

You just expect that she or he will learn out there. Parents expect teachers to teach children about sex. Teachers expects parents to teach children about sex. Children ask their friends. Children get defiled. Children seek out pornography. That is the most stupid way!

The reason why people do not take condoms seriously is because we are not having honest conversations about the risks associated with sex and how unnatural (but not difficult) it is to have sex with a condom. You have to be honest about this.  

The reason why we have a high rate of early pregnancies is because young people do not understand what sex is. I mean, you already told them children come from supermarket.

The reason why we have so many sexually dissatisfied women in relationships and marriages is that women and men won’t have these conversations about what they want or do not want in sex.

Sex is a beautiful act. And sex is also sensitive and revealing.

It’s one of the most amazing feelings in our bodies. Done nicely, it could result into joy, physically fit bodies, dopamine boosts, relaxation, motivation and yes, longer lives.

Done nicely, it can lead to mutual understanding between partners.

When sex is achieved holistically, it can lead to beautiful babies, like you and I once were.

When sex gets the respect she deserves, and we start having honest conversation about the most beautiful act between people who like and love each other, then I promise a much happier, honest, loving and productive society.

So, open up.

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