Did you know that the scientific name for Cats is Felis catus? One of my exes was called Felix.
We all know that there is something about cats. Something scary yet very alluring. Stick to the scary and never let them in. My mother hates cats, and every time we meet one, especially a black one, she yells “Shindwe pepo mbaya!” Yes, Abdul, black cat lives matter! There is a superstition that surrounds cats about them being creatures of the underworld. How can a creature have nine lives? Nyash says “kila dogi ikona siku yake na paka kuwa na tisa ni unfair!”
There was this older woman, spinster, in our neighborhood when I was growing up who owned nine cats, I guess she was trying something. “I have nine cats which have nine lives each.” What is it with older women and cats? Even my grandmother had two, and she was happily married with kids. We called our neighbor ‘Shosho wa mapaka.” Crazy cat lady. We all thought she was a witch.
Before writing this article, I browsed for similar ones online, and most of them compared cats to women, felinity, and femininity. There were remarkable comparisons that stood out. For example, that sex appeal that both women and cats possess in their walk and their eyes. Rrrrh! I could pounce on her. Cats remind me of that girl I once fell for. She had those eyes and liked to do her mascara catlike. Those intimidating wild eyes and her focus on me made me blush. Like a feline, she approached on all fours — pointy nose. Locks let down and flowing through shoulders to the neck. Wildcat. I used to call her kitty. Her nails were always filed and polished- softly they dug on the sheets leaving no evidence that she was ever here.
Nevertheless, contrary to popular opinion, I have found that it is men that possess the Cattitude more than women. Of course, many people say men are dogs but honestly, isn’t that just misappropriation? Can men actually be as loyal as dogs? Its cats that do not understand loyalty. Men like cats, know how to slowly curl up to you pretending to be sincere and lonely. On the first days, they treat you like a queen. They will pretend to be down for you as long as they can pounce and feed. After a while, they will show you their true colors. They will mess up your house, contribute zero to their feeding, and bring you useless things. When they anger you, and you give them the silent treatment, they will fuck the next woman, even if it’s your neighbor. There is no limit to the cheating. Still, they will come back and meow their way into your life like they never left and afterward, leave like they never came back. That’s Ray for me. Many people will disagree with this, but that won’t stop this article from being a hit. Watch this space; I feel reborn and rebellious. Like a dungeon dragon. Rrrrh! Rrrrh!!
The other day I met a cat on the ground floor of the apartments I habit. Apartments! Ahem! I might use furthermore in this article, looks like I have already used nevertheless. This cat was young; she looked like she had only been around for a week or so. Her face was barely formed, and she had trouble walking. Looked like she had just seen her mother eat their first born. I looked at her, and she gave me these googly eyes, and I melted. I had said I would never keep a cat, and here I was falling for one. Reminds me of that guy I dated in second year after saying I would never date him coz he, like the kitten, liked to play around.
At that time, I was lonely, and my God I needed some life around. I have always disliked cats because of their attitude. I prefer dogs. I always wanted to spend my life with a dog, but the cat brought herself first and meowed her way into my heart. I broke many of my life principles (ahem), taking this cat home. So, I brought her to my house and laid a corner for her to sleep on, but she wanted to sleep on my bed, on my 15k mattress which she hadn’t an idea how it came to be. When I initially bought the mattress, an ex of mine insisted on coming to my house and surprising me with a sleepover. I gave him the mattress I had previously used; I couldn’t share mine.
On the first day, we had a blast. I had bought some beef for supper, and I cut up small pieces for her and fed her. It was among her first times, and she had difficulty eating, but she managed. She curled up to me when I began to write my articles and would replace my hands on my keyboard and phone screen. So, I gave her the attention she needed and sacrificed my article for the next day. She liked to curl up my neck and rub it with her face, and I have got to admit, being rubbed by a cat feels nice. Timo told me that being licked (on the face or hands, I am not that kind of person please) is even better?
The first three days were amazing. She, Pus Kanyau, would spend all her time next to me, following me to the loo and even looking away when I pooped. We would play, and it seemed like we were connecting even if she only meowed when I spoke. I also liked how we would light one (the candle) at the balcony around 4, 4.30pm. She maintained her douching at a specific place and was just ‘the little loving doll’ that I missed when I left the house. I gave her a name, I wanted to call her pussy, but I had already imagined my friend’s reaction if I ever said that name, so I called her Pus Kanyau. We had a good thing going on I tell you.
A week later
“Wambui! (Angry name alert) Kuja hapa!” What did Pus Kanyau do this time? I ask myself as I tiptoe to the corridor. My mother stands with that same exasperation that has not expired from her face since she found the cat in my house. I am sure Pus Kanyau dropped one on the duster or the bathroom. Seriously I don’t understand this animal, I laid out a shirt (hahaha, my ex deserved it) for her to poop on but it ain’t enough for her. I am sure by the end of the week; my mother will make me choose between Pus Kanyau and her. I’m not even going to say anything about it; she might read this. “Am an adult, I should be able to keep a cat if I want,” said I in my heart.
Complaining about Pus Kanyau feels redundant at this time. Nowadays (barely six weeks down the line) she spends her time sleeping for close to twelve hours. One of my ex-boyfriends liked to sleep for hours and hours. He especially liked to sleep from 8 to 2, and when he woke up, the only thing he could think about was “babe, tunakula nini?” Pus Kanyau also starts to meow demanding for food when she wakes up, and she will even rub your leg with her face just to get your attention. My ex would give me a shot and 48seconds (True story) later he would be back with food, from the money I had just paid for his services. After eating, he would go out to play Fifa and come back later on in the evening. Pus Kanyau will lose interest as soon as I lay her plate next to her nose, and if I even think of touching her, she will scratch the hell out of me. Bitch! Misappropriation… Pussy!!
Believe me; there is nothing as fake as the affection you receive from a cat. A cat, just like Pus Kanyau and my ex-Ray, is a useless creature that forges affection for their selfish gains. A cat will manipulate you in every way possible so that she can get anything she wants. They look at you when directly in the eyes when they are lonely or bored. They will rub your feet with their head and then climb up your stomach, chest, or neck and stay there, just until they rid their boredom. Then they will disappear to your neighbor’s. I remember when Ray would stand me up then later come to me and lie on my laps, apologizing with soft kisses on my lower belly, caressing my thighs and I would instantly forgive him. After we had made love, he would leave and repeat the same mistake that night. The other day Pus Kanyau was scratching my 15k mattress, and I yelled, “Pus Kanyau!” she ignored me and continued. I kicked her and I thought she was dead only for her to come meow with her face on my legs.
Funny fact! Cats, like men, have nothing to offer you. Pus Kanyau has this tendency of bringing me dead rats! My ex John once collected a heater in the dumpster and fixed it up with black tape and wires as payment for a heating jug he had destroyed in my house. Every time Pus Kanyau brings me these dead rats which she does not eat (because she only eats beef, Omena, and milk nowadays) she acts like she has done more than she should normally do and that I should say thank you. Also, that gives her permission to continue destroying my furniture (15k mattress) and oh! Nowadays, she can poop wherever and whenever she wants (it’s like when you allow raw sex just once, but it gives him the audacity to push it in anytime it gets up) and when I reprimand her, she walks away twisting her hips! Classy!
She doesn’t even remember that it was I that taught her how to climb stairs and how to jump from the window to the floor. She was so scared to do it, but I told her, “Pus, Kanyau! You are a cat; climbing is your thing!” Now she knows how to jump up and down and uses that skill to run to my neighbor’s house when I give her balcony time out. Just like Ray with the sex that he came a baby. Alikam akinyonya vidole na Mimi io time nlikuwa navunja mifupa. Oh! I can’t forget that PK steals meat from the top shelves of the kitchen. Reminds me of that 200/ I never found on the table which Ray claims must have been in my mind the entire time.
Pus Kanyau, me and you are over. I can no longer stand this. Yes, you are beautiful and cute, you mesmerize me anytime I look into your eyes. I also like it when you rub my legs. But then, you are not only manipulative, fake as the word, useless, selfish but also the definition of the toxicity that I no longer want in my life.
But I have also come to realize that once you let a cat in, there is no dumping it. My aunt got tired of her cat (It was eating all the meat in the house) and dumped it at USIU from her car thinking she had gotten rid of it. In the evening, she found the cat at home, in Githurai. I also heard another story of a person who had tried to get rid of his cat for almost three months, but it kept of coming back. One day he drove it so far away that he forgot where he had driven to, the cat took him back home.
If you can see it, please comment on the comment session. I will respect you if you do.